A Nevin Shapiro Tailgate

Sure it makes the NCAA look bad, but the details of the University of Miami booster scandal, involving Nevin Shapiro, made for some interesting reading this week.

The details of the scandal of course (as always) got this tailgater to thinking.  What if Mr. Shapiro was part of my tailgating crew… (Yahoo sports, please note that I said “what if”)

  1. Pre-game tailgating would begin on the way to the parking lot.  Mr. Shapiro’s cash is providing limo transportation to the lot.  Upon arrival our Eagles van is already waiting for us…fully stocked.
  2. Forget about scoping out the eye candy.  Mr. Shapiro can bring the expensive eye candy right to your tailgate.
  3. Screw the Bud Light, I am thinking champagne room.  In the parking lot…Mr. Shapiro can make it happen.
  4. You are always bringing your tailgating tent cause Mr. Shapiro is going to make it rain.  Best day ever for the folks collecting charitable donations in the parking lot.
  5. You are bringing your football and just going long.  No longer do you have to worry about an errant pass hitting a fellow tailgaters hood.  Mr. Shapiro will just buy them a new car…by kick-off.
  6. You extend the tailgating right until the very end.  Screw the clean-up.  Mr. Shapiro will just buy you a new van and grill.
  7. You are starting to go easy on the beer pong.  The Bud Light has been replaced with Johnnie Walker Blue Label.
  8. Again, you are tailgating right until kick-off  (OK, maybe give yourself 5 minutes to spare) because you enter the stadium through the players entrance.  Of course you do because just as Mr. Shapiro does, you are greeting the players right outside the tunnel.
  9. You don’t have to worry about sporting an outdated Jersey because you get one right off the player’s back.  Hey, it’s the least the players could do for Mr. Shapiro and your crew considering the Player is on his payroll (sadly making more money than you and I).
  10. You don’t worry about cutting the post-game tailgate short because of work the next day.  Mr. Shapiro will just have someone else do your work for you, kind of like someone going to college class for you.
  11. The bonus and most important benefit is the cool nicknames that everyone in your tailgating crew has.  My favorite nickname in our group is Uncle Luke.  We can’t have Mr. Shapiro identifying us by name in the great tailgating scandal of 2011.

Hopefully you don’t think my crew is wrong for tailgating with Mr. Shapiro.  The guy offered, no laws were broken, and we needed the help.  Exactly like a college football player.