Controlling the Urge

Four out of five doctors will certainly not approve of this post.  But it’s OK. I recently stayed at a Holiday Inn Express so you can trust me on what I am about to write.

If you tailgated even just once, you are familiar with the problem of putting down a few too many and then having to pee.  The problem is that it’s still a few hours until kick-off / first pitch and the lines to the Port-a-Potty are way too long.  Sure you really have to go but you don’t want to lose precious tailgating time waiting in line to go pee.

The easy solutions are to travel with your own Porta Potty (and yes, a large bucket that you pee into with the car door serving as your cover counts) or use the wall of an abandoned building to drain the bladder (secretly hoping that the parking lot security guy doesn’t bust you for public urination).

Or you could follow some of the following tips that I discovered while perusing the World Wide Web.  This site provides you with step by step instructions for controlling the urge and making it until the game starts and you can use the stadium bathroom.

From these options I would personally recommend focusing on anything but the urge to urinate.  This is where the hidden benefits of sports betting, fantasy football, or being a cheap-ass come out.

Focus your attention on checking the point spread and getting pissed off (yes, the pun was intended) at the kicker going wide right on any easy chip shot and blowing your chance to easily cover.  Focus your anger on the wide receiver or running back that is sitting on your fantasy bench that just scored their 3rd touchdown of the game.  Focus on the cash that is still in your wallet that will be quickly gone if you have to go into the stadium too early to pee and then have to buy $9 light beers to keep the pregame buzz going.

Saving the best alternative for last brings us to the genius findings of one Dr. Larry Lipshultz.  This doctor’s solution, just think about sex.  Sounds easy enough to this fan, though I may I suggest different “eye candy” than Jessica Simpson as Dr. Lipshultz suggests.

And yes, if you search the Internet you too can find ways to hold in number 2.  But my suggestion there would be to bite the proverbial bullet and just pack up the tailgate early and head directly to the stadium bathroom.  You will thank yourself and fellow users of the Port-a-Potty will thank you even more.