Whenever you cram thousands of people into one concentrated area, you are bound to get a diverse group. Tailgating is no different. Most tailgaters just hang out and do their own thing without calling attention to themselves. Some tailgaters can’t do that. Without further delay, here’s a list of the 14 most annoying tailgaters you want to avoid.
Exotic Meats Guy – Alligator Stew. Barbecued frog legs. Bison burgers. This is the guy that scoffs at normal hamburgers and hot dogs as traditional tailgate food. He loves to hand someone some sort of mystery meat on a stick and then see their reaction when he reveals the name of the wild animal they just ate. Tastes like chicken, right?
Acoustic Guitar Guy – This douche-bag is normally found tailgating before concerts but don’t count him out tailgating before a sporting event. You have all seen him. This guy breaks out the acoustic guitar whenever he thinks someone wants to hear his crappy rendition of “What Would You Say” by Dave Matthews Band. He does this not because he really loves music but because he thinks playing the guitar impresses women enough to sleep with him later. You can spot him strumming pathetically all by himself hoping some drunk girl will recognize him playing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn“. Hey Acoustic Guitar Guy, please save it for the youth group camping trip.
The Gadget Geek – This guy could also be called the “One Upper”. You have a hand crank blender, this guy has a blender hooked up to a old Harley-Davidson engine. You have a 40,000 BTU grill, this guy has 100,000 BTUs at his disposal, and that’s just on the left side! You have a television with the games on, this guy has DirecTV satellite with every game on earth playing. He’s all about trying to impress everyone else with all his “toys” and loves the ones that make the most noise. That way everyone in the parking lot will turn to look when he fires up his generator powering his rented Musco Lights.
The Uber Chef – This is the guy that brings way too much food and thinks he is going to feed the entire parking lot. A peek inside his cooler and he has enough dead animal flesh in there to give a butcher priapism. He treats his grill better than his wife and children and his goal in life is to top the amount of meat he grilled last time. The Uber Chef is the most generous tailgater in the parking lot and by 30 minutes before game time he is giving away pounds and pounds of meat just so he doesn’t have to bring it home.
The Can Man – Every tailgating parking lot has this guy, or should I say guys. They are always walking around with some elaborate can collection receptacle. Be it a trash can on wheels, a dirty shopping cart dripping a vile combination of liquids or just a raggedy Glad bag, they are always willing to liberate your empties. Sure they are helping the environment while keeping your tailgating space clean but they all could use a shower and possibly a trip to the dentist.
The “No Shirt, No Problem” Tailgater – No matter the weather, this guy loves to tear off his shirt given the opportunity. Whether it’s to show off his recent tattoo or to try to impress the girls across the way, this guy loses his shirt faster than a bulimic loses her lunch. Normally this guy has hit the gym once that week but invariably he drinks way too much beer to have underwear model abs.
The Overly Competitive/Underachieving Wannabe Athlete – You planning on playing any tailgating games? If so, this guy can put on a clinic, or so he says. Doesn’t matter what the game is. He’ll tell you he dominates them all. Cornhole? He’s the champ. Beer Pong? Bring it on buddy. Washers? What’s the skunk rule around these parts? Unfortunately he talks a big game and has played just enough to be dangerous but when faced with real competition this guy doesn’t stand a chance.
The Attention Whore – Normally a girl dressed completely inappropriate for the weather and the event she is tailgating. You can spot her a mile away, normally sporting more cleavage than Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet. This surgically enhanced single mother with low self-esteem will wear a mini skirt to Lambeau Field in December if she thinks it will get men to notice her. She’ll volunteer to get everyone beers from the cooler just knowing that everyone will be starring at her whale tail. Stay at home attention whore. It’s not our fault daddy didn’t hug you enough when you were young.
The Homer – Picture the guy that that has bought out everything the team store has to offer. Now put him in the parking lot wearing said gear and harassing anyone that remotely resembles a fan of the opposing team. Try to park next to this guy and expect to have to qualify yourself as a bigger fan of his team or you will be subjected to insults and snide remarks all day.
The Wine and Cheese Tailgater – Normally spotted tailgating before a Michael Bolton or John Tesh concert, wine and cheese tailgater has been rarely seen tailgating sporting events. His taste in wine is impeccable and he has the finest meats and cheeses displayed like he is trying to impress the art gallery curator. He’ll normally be disgusted by the debauchery displayed by the Bourgeois beer drinkers he must tolerate in order to attend this event. Tailgating is more of a hassle than an activity to enjoy to wine and cheese guy. He’d be better off staying at home and catching it on TV.
The Liquid Diet Guy – This guy is only interested in one thing, getting hammered. You could have the greatest spread of tailgating food ever placed before mankind, this guy just wants to drink. Shots of tequila followed by Jell-o shots chased with a 24 oz. can of Bud. All in a day’s work for Liquid Diet Guy. Sadly, he overpaid for his ticket to the game or concert and gets too drunk to get in or is too wasted to even know who is playing.
Inappropriate Music Guy – He might not have the loudest stereo system in the parking lot but he definitely doesn’t care who might be listening to his choice of play list. He’ll pump old school rap with lyrics littered with F-bombs even if he is parked next to a family with kids under 10. He’ll play enough vulgarity that even Snoop Dogg would tell him to tone it down.
The Moocher – This tailgater shows up with nothing but a smile and is always first in line when food and drinks are offered. The Moocher is chronically forgetful and always seems to have just run out of propane on his grill yet he has no problem asking you to squeeze in his crappy food on yours? Your brats look better than his old hot dogs and you know he will ask for a few. This guy sucks so bad, we wrote about him back in August 2007 in one of our first tailgating etiquette articles.
The Sports/Music Trivia Dork – Often mistaken for The Homer, Sports/Music Trivia Dork wants to share his wealth of knowledge. He does this because he wants to prove how big of a fan he is of the home team or the musical artist you are about to see. Did you know the San Diego Chargers drafted Mossy Cade with their first round draft pick but he never played a single snap for them? Did you know that the video for Shadow Of The Day is the first Linkin Park video to not feature the whole band? Okay, we get it dude. You’ve proven two things. You’re a tool and you love the band more than I do.
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