A while back I compiled a list of The 14 Tailgaters Who Annoy The Crap Out of You. You would think with a list of 14 that would just about cover it, right? Not even close. With college and pro football seasons about to start, here are 10 more annoying tailgaters you’ll want to avoid.
The “Go Long” Guys – Every section of the parking lot has these idiots. They suck so bad their aim is on par with a Parkinson’s patient trying to pee through a keyhole. These tool shacks think the lanes of the parking lot were designed specifically for them to run incredibly slow fly patterns and show off the arm strength that landed them third string QB on the JV. They end up knocking over more grills and bouncing footballs off of more car windshields than they make the occasional catch. Hey “Go Long” Guys, Uncle Rico called and even he thinks you should give it a rest.
Crappy Store-Bought Food Guy – You and your friends have gone to great lengths to bring home-made dips, freshly marinated meats and fresh baked deserts. What’s this guy’s contribution to the tailgate party? Soggy fried chicken from the local grocery store and a tub of potato salad that’s past its expiration date. Of course, it never dawned on him to simply stop by the authentic BBQ joint in town and pick up some ribs or slow cooked brisket. This jackass would rather pick up a bucket of pre-cooked BBQ that looks more like the slop you were served in grade school. Thanks Crappy Store-Bought Food Guy. While you’re enjoying my Tri-Tip, I’ll have another helping of what looks to have been prepared by a hairnet-shrouded cafeteria lady armed with an ice-cream scoop.
The PETA / Meat Is Murder Protesting Tailgater – This freeze-dried hippie, normally white and sporting dreadlocks complete with an overpowering patchouli stink, usually followed by random girls with pit hair who also share his lack of hygiene, takes your tailgate as an opportunity to make a stand against dead animal flesh on the grill. The best way to make them disappear is by simply tossing another half cow on the grill, accompanied by your best impression of a guttural and distressed animal noise. A smiling mouthful of the charred death should be added for good measure. Why can’t they all take the hint from Amanda Beard and just get naked, already?
The “I’m Selling Something For Charity” Member – Whether it is the Boy Scouts of America selling stale popcorn, the local Pop Warner Cheerleaders trying to raise money for their trip to nationals, the former or present crack addict selling the local newspaper so he can afford his probation supervision fees, or the guy selling lame FarFromPuken bumper stickers, they all have their hand out. It’s all for a good cause, I’m sure, but how do I know this guy with the fresh needle tracks didn’t drop a quarter in the local newspaper machine, take the whole stack and come up with a story about staying in the halfway house? After paying an arm and a leg to park, the only money I am laying out while tailgating is betting the over/under on the early games with the guys parked next me.
Mardi Gras Bead Selling Hotties – We’ve all seen these girls. Usually traveling in packs of three or four, these gals sell Mardi Gras-style beads in colors representative of both the teams playing that afternoon. They make a killing off of drunken and pathetically desperate guys who think that by buying a $1 string of beads they’ll be assured of a hug or even a Girls Gone Wild breast exposition. Sadly, these girls’ sweater kittens are staying covered and the person getting boned is the idiot who thinks buying beads in an open parking lot will get him the same results as Pacman Jones making it rain.
Random Services Homeless Man – This tailgater is normally indigenous to downtown stadiums surrounded by urban blight. Not to be mistaken for The Can Man, this is the homeless guy that will offer to do something, anything, in exchange for a beer, cigarette, chicken wing, etc. His talents are vast and diversified depending on region and could include dancing the Roger Rabbit or washing the windows on your car. Nowhere can you find a personal assistant or a butler that is willing to work for three spare ribs and a warm Natty Light.
The Hard Liquor and Handgun Thug – This is the guy we would all love to see get his ass kicked. He’s the guy decked out in a knock-off jersey from the visiting team and sporting a fresh neck tattoo. After one too many tequila shots, this guy often walks about mad-dogging and mean-mugging everyone in hopes of soliciting a fight. If you’re having trouble developing a mental image, see Raider Fan in the Urban Dictionary. We are all trying to enjoy our day away from work. These dudes? Simply on work release.
The Coach Impostor – This yardbird is mostly caught on a Saturday at your alma mater walking, looking, and acting like he is the head coach. He’s got the khaki Dockers with brand new Nikes, the visor, the shades, and he’s even got the coach’s dri-fit polo with school logos. The only thing he doesn’t have is the hot wife, which has been replaced by some run of the mill B-teamer who couldn’t make this guy’s starting line-up. This dude actually thinks he might be mistaken as Bob Stoops or Steve Spurrier roaming the tailgate parties. He then proceeds to attempt impressing you with his vast knowledge of complex game plans and nickel defenses. Some even go as far as to carry a clipboard and sweatbands to accentuate the charade. Absolutely pathetic.
Leaky Radiator Guy – Rather than walk the two rows of parked cars and wait in line for the Port-a-Potty, this guy uses your tailgating space as his personal urinal. Normally utilizing an opened car door as his cover, this filthy animal blames that river of gold running out the back of your tailgating stall on his “leaky radiator”.
The Tailgating Religious Fanatic – This tailgater is not really a tailgater at all. He just shows up to loudly protest all the drinking and debauchery occurring in plain sight. Typically indigenous to the SEC, Religious Fanatic’s bible is apparently missing Mathew 6:6-8 and does not consider Saturday a day of rest from spreading God’s “love”. The best way to combat Mr. Religious Fanatic is by recruiting a fellow tailgater with adequate Bible knowledge to argue Bible passages, repeatedly yelling “Judge not lest ye be judged” into an acquired megaphone and asking if you’re excluded from eternal damnation for premarital intercourse as long as it’s gay sex.
Were you the kid that exclaimed “Look Ma, no hands!”? Have you ever had the urge to appear as if you were wearing over sized Mardi Gras beads and be able to drink without using your hands? What about the need to consume 26 oz of liquid suspended from your neck? If you answered yes to any of these questions I have found the ultimate tailgate party conversation starter, the Beverage Bead.
