If you are a football fan or not, chances are you have been to a Super Bowl party once or twice in your lifetime. Most people are there to watch the game, have some food and socialize. For some people, this is their opportunity to demonstrate just how annoying they can be. So here are the 10 most annoying people you will meet at a Super Bowl party.
The “This Party Sucks Compared to the One Two Years Ago” Guy – This douchebag has seen it all and more than likely hosted the biggest Super Bowl bash of all time. He’ll constantly drone on and on about how much more fun this other Super Bowl party he went to a few years ago. He’ll tell you how that party had way hotter girls, a buffet table as long as a football field, flat screens in the bathrooms, the marching band from the local college and Isaac from the Love Boat tending bar. No matter how much fun this Super Bowl party is, he has seen better. He will top any experience bar none. The only way to compete with this guy is to see how far he will go to continue his charade. Make mention of how one year you were at a Super Bowl party where the Lingerie Bowl was played in their backyard while the Village People performed YMCA in the garage. See where he takes it from there.
The Health Nut – Normally a woman who is a spinning instructor three times a week, she will bring the highest fiber, low calorie and subsequently most awful tasting dip. She munches on celery sticks and fresh fruits while expounding on the virtues of all of your produce from a local organic farmer and why choosing to go vegan will save the world. Don’t you dare let her catch you loading up your plate with another helping of chili cheese nachos. Do that only if you want to hear how many pounds of undigested animal flesh is currently clinging to your colon like painter’s spackle. Her argument is so convincing you’ll develop more of a complex than when your mom “caught you” back in junior high. And nobody need to relive that awkwardness.
The Super Bowl Stats Super Geek – Did you know that until the St. Louis Rams won Super Bowl XXXIV that no team that played their home games in a dome had ever won a Super Bowl? Before Tom Brady won Super Bowl XXXVI, Bob Griese was the only Big Ten QB to start and win a Super Bowl? And you are telling me these things why? To show me you have memorized the Super Bowl almanac? Or to prove to me you are 37, still live in your mother’s basement, watch a lot of Star Trek reruns and have yet to kiss a girl?
The Kicker Hater Girl –This gal is normally unrecognizable until one of the kickers misses a 54 yard field goal attempt. Then the commentary comes out. She thinks being a kicker in the NFL is the easiest job in the world. After all, all they have to do is make kicks, right? I mean, he gets paid millions of dollars and all he has to do is kick the ball. How hard is it if all you have to do all day is kick a ball? Like, I am so sure! If all I had to do was one thing for my job I would never do it wrong. Sorry Kicker Hater but it is a lot harder than it looks. Just ask Scott Norwood.
The Obsessed Part-Time Gambler – This guy hardly bets on NFL games but apparently faced with the last game of the season, believes he needs to bet crazy seven item parlays. He will eagerly announce to everyone how much money he can win so long as the coin flip comes up tails, Dallas Clark is the first to score a touchdown and New Orleans needs to intercept three passes by halftime. With each dropped pass or fumble out of bounds, he claps loudly and feels compelled to tell everyone that he is still alive in three of his parlays. Sadly, for all his energy and enthusiasm, he didn’t have the balls to lay more than 20 bucks on each card.
The Full of Excuses Homer – This guy shows up wearing the jersey of his favorite team, and it is never either team playing in the Super Bowl. He takes every opportunity to explain why HIS team is not playing today. Had the refs not blown that call in week 7 against the Ravens, that would have totally set his team up for a run to the postseason. Instead it was a momentum killer and the team’s psyche never recovered. Despite his team logging a 3-13 record and locking down the fourth overall draft pick, this guy will defend his team all afternoon. He honestly thinks they could be playing in the Super Bowl had a few breaks gone their way. Riiiiight.
The Band Wagoner – This is the guy that claims to be the biggest fan of one of the Super Bowl participants. Sadly he couldn’t name the starting wide receivers of either team when the playoffs started. He is an easy mark because even though he claims to being a fan “for years”, his jersey is brand new and has never been washed. This guy is easily exposed when a true fan of the same team asks him simple questions about the team in which he can not come up with an answer.
The “Oblivious There is a Game Going On” Girl – Normally the girlfriend of one of your work friends, she was dragged along to this and has no interest in the game whatsoever. She will wander from room to room, walking in front of the TV at the most inappropriate times and will try to strike up conversations at crucial portions of the game. She’ll normally whine and complain that the game is dragging on and on and roll her eyes and let out huge dramatic sighs anytime there is a stop in the action. She really doesn’t want to be there and makes it abundantly clear to everyone she is putting up with this day because her boyfriend made her come. Normally the boyfriend puts up with this behavior because she is typically hotter than molten lava.
The Gambling Squares Pusher – This guy is full of more peer pressure than a 10th grader passing a joint to a seventh grader. He is relentless in getting you to commit to not only buying four squares in one pool but a few more squares in the lower stakes pool. Getting off the phone with a collections agent is easier than getting away from this guy. To add to his annoyance, he takes it upon himself to inform everyone what they need in order for their square to hit. “You’ll need the Colts to block this punt and return it for a touchdown and go for the two-point conversion for you to win the 3rd quarter”. Thanks dude. Thanks for the info.
The “We Couldn’t Get a Sitter” Parents – Arriving with a full complement of baby toys, diaper bags and portable playpens, these annoying Super Bowl party guests walk around with a little kid dangling from the front of their chest. The overprotective mom will hover over the toddler armed with a bottle of liquid hand sanitizer all while complaining how this house really should have child-proof locks on their cabinets. Dad will proclaim that Junior will some day grow up to be a pro football player based on the fact he is in the 90th percentile for weight. Sorry to break the news to you Dad but childhood obesity does not translate into a huge signing bonus. It normally is an early indicator of juvenile diabetes. Please, leave the kids at home because Obsessed Part-Time Gambler guy needs to drop an F-bomb every time one of his parlays busts.
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